Pregnancy Loss... My story

A month ago, I almost died. The baby growing within me did.

I was eleven weeks pregnant and had begun to bleed six days earlier. Because of COVID-19, like many others, I had to experience this visit without my support person. I feel a bit trite telling you how rough it was to experience this alone in an ER without my husband there, especially when so many people are literally dying alone... But it was rough on both of us.

I left my initial ER visit with a sliver of hope. The OBGYN on duty explained that sometimes a bit of bleeding doesn't always mean a loss. I was given an ultrasound, and they could see the baby there, but because of its gestational age, they couldn't pick up a heartbeat. This means I had to wait until Monday to have an internal ultrasound to determine if my baby's heart continued to beat. As it turned out, by Monday, it didn't. I was sent home to grieve and wait it out with instructions that if I began to bleed to the point where I filled up more than one pad in an hour or developed a fever, I was to come straight to the ER.

The week progressed as most weeks did. I kept home, worked, and let myself feel what I felt. This was my third miscarriage this year. The other two pregnancies ended as quickly as they began, and though I did feel their loss, all my hopes were on this one. This was to be my last shot at a fourth child. At 42, I figured it was now or never. As the eleventh week neared, I began to relax. The anxiety I'd felt whenever I had to use the restroom had eased, and I was starting to look forward to when we'd announce our pregnancy online. I'd had this entire image in my head, and it would be EPIC.

We never got there. That Saturday, I began to bleed.

I literally yelped from the shock of seeing the spot of blood on my panties. At that moment, even though I knew my heart didn't stop, it felt like it did. If I'm to be honest, I often feel like my heart is beating at half its usual rate.

Is this how a broken heart beats?

Six days after that initial spot, on Friday, 11 September, I woke to a gush of blood. With my three living children, when my water broke, it never gushed like it does in the movies. This was definitely a gush. The irony is not lost on me. I don't remember feeling panic; I only have a sense of understanding of how this was going to play out. It was early enough in the morning that my husband, who usually wakes first, was still asleep. I woke him and told him I needed to go to the ER. He helped me clean up and get dressed. As he quickly prepped our boys to watch our daughter, Ellena, I experienced another wave of blood. This time, it is much more significant. I went straight to the bathroom to try to clean myself up... My husband quickly got me another pair of pants, mopped up the blood that was on the floor, ordered the boys to NOT use that bathroom, and put me in the car.

I can recall my husband putting me into the car. I remember asking him to hurry. A few moments into the drive, I texted a coworker, explaining I would be out. After that, I remember thinking I couldn't hear well and my head feeling heavy. After that, things get fuzzy. My husband relates a story of my going into shock. As he tells it, I was unconscious, my lips were blue, and my body shook. He says he tried to keep my head upright and get me to wake up. He says I did wake eventually, much to his relief.

I can only imagine how terrifying this was for him. My next solid recollection is being in the ER and being short with the triage nurse and then apologizing to her for being rude. I was pretty scared by this point. Then things get fuzzy again. Next, I recall being surrounded by a crew of medical staff with their needles and cords and hearing something about my blood pressure being too low. I'm told it was WAY too low. I hemorrhaged. I ended that day in surgery. I'm told that the tissues from my pregnancy were normal. There is nothing that feels normal about this.

I'm still grieving the loss of a baby I'll never know.

Not in this lifetime, at least. I've spent the last month writing this post in my head. We never really speak about miscarriage. We never talk about how much it hurts, or how you feel like you failed, or like your body betrayed you. I'm not happy with the way these words formed. I imagine I'll come back and edit them. But I wanted to get this on the page now. I fear if I don't do it now, I may never. I'm honestly not even sure anyone will see this. This poor blog of mine has been so neglected. But here they are. My words about a story, I really wish it had gone another way. I am grieving. I know that much to be true. I think I may be depressed. Most of the time, I feel like I'm beneath a cloud. Some days, bright spots peak through. I'm holding tight to those moments. So tight my knuckles are white.

We're Expecting! Gamer Pregnancy Announcement

Three weeks ago I shared this photograph on Instagram and Facebook, and earlier this week I thought I should make it "blog official". My husband and I decided our pregnancy announcement should focus on a favorite pastime of our two sons which is playing video games.

For our gamer pregnancy announcement I ordered the shirts off of Amazon and designed the graphic myself. I used iron-on transfers which worked great, but after a few washes they're pretty much done, I honestly wish I had one of those vinyl machines like a Cricut instead... but the shirts served they're purpose and I think the announcement turned out super cute!We've wrapped our brains around the fact that our third baby is on it's way.

My husband and I had talked about trying for a third for years but never really decided. God certainly did for us!

My boys are excited and I am savoring this pregnancy in ways I don't think I did with my last two. This pregnancy has been uniquely different because I've basically had all day "morning sickness" every day for the last 6 weeks or so. Otherwise I feel great and this last week the nausea is tapering off. I'm hoping this is a sign it will eventually dissipate. I appreciate the nausea and dry heaving I really do, because I know it's a sign everything is working. Being of "advanced maternal age" (I'm over 35) I was really concerned this go round so having this "sign" that all is well though exhausting and not ideal has been very comforting.

I'm presently twelve weeks and feeling a bit overwhelmed by how many cool new products are out there from baby carriers, to bottles, and strollers.The making of the nursery will be put on hold because we'll be moving back to the States either before or after this baby comes which has taken a ton of the prepping for baby pressure off. 

Though moving from a foreign country (Italy) back to America will be a big enough challenge for me either significantly pregnant or with a newborn. It's going to be fun to share this journey here. I hope you'll join me.